Sunday Book Club - Little Girls Can Be Mean: Chapters 7 and 8

Chapter 7 and 8

Think, Share, Do...Activity Bank for Part II

Using the Four Steps in Your Home, School, or Office

The parent/teacher's tips in this final chapter were just what I needed to read. Let me elaborate a little more on the ones I liked....

Page 232: Be a Fly on the Wall

This is something I do at recess. If you are an educator then you know some of the adults out there are just standing around wishing that darned bell would ring. But it's a good time for me to get to know my peeps without actually interacting with them. I like to see who is playing with who, what they are playing, and get close enough to hear the conversation. This is advice we give to adults at my school when we do recess training. It is a key part of preventing recess problems while connecting with the student population.

Page 233: Be a Safe Haven

The authors make a wonderful recommendation and this is such a great strategy to use to help girls get perspective. I've been doing this for years. When "stuff" is going down between girls sometimes my instinct tells me one or more need to stay in my office doing an alternative activity. You would not believe how it helps cool down a problem. It helps girls get away from whatever toxic thing is going on. Setting up play dates is also a wonderful solution. Keep in mind they are not staying in because they are losing a recess. I'm helping redirect their energy away from the temptation to getting sucked into something ugly.

Page 235: Bravery Book

LOVE this idea and I expand on the word bravery with students. We call it inner strength. Teaching what inner strength is can be really powerful for a student. Kids will report to me they were dealing with a frustrating situation and when I ask how they were able to deal with the issue they sometimes say, "Because of my inner strength."  They often point this out in books I read in which characters overcome difficult situations and feelings. I'm going to start doing bravery books but we'll call ours inner strength journals where we can explore traits like bravery, courage, integrity, etc.

Page 240: Erasing the Hurt/Words Leave a Hole

Oh wow this is a really neat tool to use with kids. I love anything that is visual and will bring out empathy and remorseful feelings in students. I've done a similar activity using a paper heart but I like this idea a little better. This allows them to actually write the words down that were used - and don't exactly go away. Can't wait to put this one into action.  

Page 248: Empowering Ostracized Girls

These are the girls I worry about most. I call them ghost girls. They are so perfect at making themselves invisible to the adults around them. Often times a situation will be going on and they come off as the silent standby. But really there is a lot going on there and empowerment would be an understatement for what they need. I'm still working on this one. It helps when I get parents onboard and now I can give them this book!!

Chapter 8 reminds me of my mother. Whenever I had a tough social situation going on she never freaked out. She was more of the devils advocate type. Always trying to help me see the other side while helping me figure out my own feelings and be a better friend to not just other girls but to myself. Obviously, she's left an admirable impression on me.

So maybe I'm too blunt here but if you think you're being a Freak Out parent over your child's social dilemmas then it's definitely time to do things differently. When we are freaking out, we think we're doing the right thing. Well, we're not and we usually freak out because we really don't know what else to do. I know this because it's happened to me. We're not teaching our daughters anything when we do this. I really encourage everyone to try the four steps. It's not an overnight process and will take some practice. But I'm already finding my whole perspective has changed and I'm a lot calmer when situations come my way. This is a MUST book for parents. Remember...no freaking out. That was not one of the steps. Good luck and have fun connecting or maybe reconnecting with your daughter!

A very special thank you to author Michelle Anthony for her wise and empowering words in the comments section of each blog post.

Sunday Book Club - Little Girls Can Be Mean: Chapter 6

Chapter 6

All Girls Can Be Mean:

When Your Daughter Is Acting

Like a Mean Girl

Page 179: I was so happy to see the authors talk about the word assertive. The curriculum No Kidding About Bullying has a couple of lessons centered around this word and it's important meaning so I've started teaching lessons about assertiveness to my 3-5th graders. Assertiveness is an important tool in a girl's life. Now when I have a group of girls in my office over friendship issues...it's so easy for me to throw that word around because they know exactly what I'm talking about. I can tell they feel super empowered by that powerful word. So if your daughter/student has a tendency to go to the aggressive side, then teach her all about assertiveness. Don't forget to role play it!

Page 180: There Are Two Sides To Every Story

This scenario had good light bulb moments for me. Telling someone to stand up for themselves won't work if they don't know what that should look, sound, and feel like. Standing up for yourself might mean something completely different to your child. They might think it means to be totally harsh with their friend. If you don't fill in the blanks for your child they will for you...and it might be a behavior you don't agree with. Page 184 the authors use the metaphor of a seesaw. This made me smile as I have actually drawn a seesaw on the white board when I teach we all need to be on equal ground in our friendships. Page 187 Again LOVING the role playing with the beanie babies. Kids love it too by the way. I never let kids leave my office until we have done a role play regarding the skills they want to use.

Page 188: "When one girl asserts herself (appropriately), it gives the other girl the opportunity to reflect on her actions, and to make new, more balanced and considerate choices. In this way, one girl's assertiveness can influence another, or can change the dynamic of a situation so immensely that both girls benefit. I might just print that BEAUTIFUL paragraph out and start reading it to parents over the phone. How closure is reached between two girls is a predictor of future behavior.

Page 191: Teacher's Tip

Everyone who follows my blog knows I'm a HUGE believer in the Bucket books. February is bucket filling month at my school. The bucket filling books are wonderful lessons in kindness. Thank you authors for bringing this up!

Page 193, 194: Girl Get Togethers; Saying Sorry

Again, this stuff is SOOOO important. I grew up with a parent who believed in this too....maybe that's why I work so hard at it with kids. It works.

Page 195: The Power Rush of Popularity

So what to do when you see your daughter mistreating someone!?! I like the point about how it's our job to GUIDE and not DIRECT. Because if you tell your kid, "You need to be nice to so and so." They've learned nothing. In fact, they probably rolled their eyes after you walked away. I love all of the advice in this story. The three R's (recognize, responsible, rectify) are going to come in handy in all sorts of situations. In fact, I'll be teaching these in my social skills lessons school wide.

The last story in this chapter which I'll call the "brush off" is something a lot of parents deal with and it's frustrating. It can also make you want to give up. Again, the suggestions through the four steps are really going to change how you parent and respond to your daughter. Good stuff. I have to say, this book is really helping me become a better school counselor. The teachers tips throughout this story gave me a lot of great ideas. I'm going to put the Tokens of Friendship from page 228 in place for sure.

I'll be wrapping up with the last chapter next week. Hope you are working the four steps. Keep it up!

Sunday Book Club: Little Girls Can Be Mean - Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Going Along With The Gang

Love love love this chapter. As an educator, take a look at your classroom - have you ever broken down the social hierarchy of the groups? Sort of fascinating.....until one of the groups becomes unhealthy and downright mean. Fascinating just got replaced with NEMESIS! I'll never forget a second grade girl trying to "get in" to a group. But it was a mean girls group. They would treat her horribly (put-downs, mean looks, exclusion) at recess. YET, every recess she would still go back for more. Trying so badly to fit in with these girls. I couldn't understand it. This girl needed the four steps! I'm also curious as to how many educators would have called home in this situation and let the parent know not only is she being bullied - but she needs MAJOR support in finding a good-fit group or friend. And I think the authors would dig even deeper and say, "What's really going on here?" They also remind us in this chapter that all groups will go through social struggles at some point - so be prepared.

Page 126: Crazy Sock Day

This story was really empowering. The authors lay out what happens when you are not tuned into the four steps and the missed opportunities to build a confident daughter. If your child is obsessing about something - major flag. It's also okay to admit you might not know how to deal with it. So thankful for this book! Also like the note to educators at the bottom of page 131. We have to be careful to not to set kids up for social failure.

Page 133: Scale The Worry Down To Size

This is brilliant. Show them a new perspective around the difference between the small and big stuff. This can bring a lot of calm to the situation and will start decreasing the obsessing. Help them understand the difference between a real fear and a worry.

Page 136: Become a team: "But we are a team, and you and I will figure this out together."

Parents, your kids want to hear these words from you when the going gets rough.

Page 138: Carley's Story

When I first read her story I thought - now how in the heck is the mom going to solve this one!!?? The authors point out how important it is to help your children see the possibility of more than one interpretation of an event. This is CRITICAL advice, folks. Don't breeze past this story. I did a lot of highlighting on these pages. Love the activity at the bottom of page 144 called Visual Rumors. I plan on doing this activity with students.

Page 150: Playing Dare

It's pretty dang cool when kids stand up for themselves and make good decisions.

Page 157: Dialogue about power imbalances and bullying

Girls don't think friendship meanness is a big deal - and I sometimes worry we don't either. The authors give some encouraging advice and language to use to help our daughters understand it is something to pay attention to. Sometimes when I have this sort of talk with girls they get this SHOCKED look on their face like - my friends are not bullies!

Page 158: Giver her some personal power

The power of positive affirmations is HUGE. Start this before they hit pre-school. Saying it out loud is huge.

Page 162: Letting go of a friendship circle

The authors call this a group freeze out. So perfectly put. Leaving someone out on purpose is just as painfully equal to all other kinds of bullying behavior. The steps will help your daughter to decide - is it time to move on from this group and how to be okay with it.

Page 167: Cliques vs. Groups

Great awareness for educators. I actually teach the difference between these two things to the students. Hey, shouldn't they know too? Like I tell the kids, "I can't do it without you."

Page 173-174: Reflections on talking badly about your friend

Whoa! Huge wake up call for me as a counselor. When we get angry with one another it all of a sudden gets easy to start putting the other person down. We sort of feel justified. But this really just fuels a problem. This is not a conversation I've had with girls and am now encouraged to do so. I'm going to figure out how to turn this tip into a lesson/discussion/role play. I think I've been a bit too reactive to this type of behavior. Page 176-177 uses the word composure. How can we help our girls to keep their composure? Oh wow, loved all the advice in this chapter.

Sunday Book Club: Little Girls Can Be Mean Chapters 3-4

Chapter 3

Think, Share, Do...Activity Bank Part I

Okay, not going to spend a ton of time discussing this chapter other than to say it has a lot of good ideas on how to connect with your daughter. One thing I really appreciated at the end of the chapter was the focus on being a good sport. I cannot stress the importance of this! This is not only a good all around skill to have in life but in a friendship it is essential. I pay close attention to this when I'm observing students. We work really hard on remembering that someones feelings mean more than your ability to win a game.

Chapter 4

Side by Side: Best Friends, Worst Enemies

I really relate to this chapter because of the issues I see between girls at my school. The authors talk about "best friend" relationships and their pitfalls. But most importantly, how to guide your daughter out of this pit. The four steps are put into action throughout the chapter. Lets dive in.

Page 79, 90 - Clubs: Okay, I take that word really seriously. Clubs = bullying in my world. I'll take it a step further. Clubs = "We're better than you." "I reject you." "You have no power." "Social rules don't apply to me."  "Now we can use this club to harass you." I think you get my point here. My first year at my elementary school I dealt with a first grade club. They called themselves "The Bratz." You know....those dolls with the huge attitude - The Bratz. Anyways, long story short...recess would end with girls sobbing as if someone had died (sorry to be dramatic but it was really out of control for awhile). Looking back I'm actually thankful for the whole situation - we obviously weren't doing much to PREVENT this sort of friendship toxicity. We now do LOTS of work in our friendship lessons about how clubs really don't have a place at our school. I wish you could see the looks on the students faces when I share the "no club" rule and why it exists. I even share the "Bratz" story and how it broke up friendships, caused hurt feelings, and no one could learn. They just soak up every work like sponges and want to team up with me to make our school a happy place. Of course, I had to learn all of this the hard way. I encourage you to do some prevention talk about clubs and what kids can do if one "pops" up. Word to the wise....if you find out about an unhealthy club. DO NOT FREAK OUT. Follow the authors advice! They are so right on in this area.

Page 85 - Identify the instigating factor: We have a teacher at our school who always says to her students, "Mistakes are opportunities for learning." We spend a lot of time getting solution focused with kids but don't forget it's often important to go back and figure out what sparked the problem. Doing that could eliminate a next time.

Page 87, 89 - Identify Allies: I love this strategy and it works great. Girls get so wrapped up with their one unhealthy friend they tend to forget there are others interested in having a friendship. I often ask girls to brainstorm a list of girls they would like to hang out with. When they make the list I encourage them to tell me why they chose those girls. What do they like about them? What do they admire about them? How would they rate their friendship skills? Creating a list of possible new friends can help her to let go and move on to someone who may be closer to her own friendship skill set. Or even someone who might help her grow. I call it - A Good Fit Friend. Putting together a play date in my office during recess or a lunch bunch is a way to help make this happen.

Page 88-92 - Assert Yourself: Oh wowee. The "I" message is such a beautiful thing. And yes, practice practice practice - role play role play role play! I start this in kindergarten. You may be thinking - a 5 year old can't do an "I" message. Oh yes they can! if you don't want girls to get in each others faces or talk so nasty to one another then start building "I" messages at an early age. Communication is everything. I plan on doing a WHOLE blog post on how I do this. It includes my good friend play dough.

Page 97 - Be on the look out for behavior signs: The authors give a SOLID list of behaviors to observe if you are suspecting your daughter may be having some issues. When you observe a pattern of these behaviors, it might be time to say, "Whoa, what's really going on here?" Enter the four steps!

Page 105 124 - Yo-Yo Friendships: Reading this story helped me as an adult feel validated that I have not been overreacting to the yo-yo friendships I witness. It's really hurtful stuff. The good news - there is a way out. The advice from the authors is invaluable. They define a yo-yo friendship as a relationship that is both loving and abusive. I see it all the time and we take steps to curb it. Page 114 - Take off the rose colored glasses: Letting kids know they are being manipulated is important. Part of being an adult means being a truth teller to kids. There's a gentle way to clue them in to this manipulative behavior. Page 118 - Find a way to separate the girls: Parents - we as educators are in full support of this. We are extremely invested in creating a positive chemistry in all classrooms. It is not a rare thing from year to year to put girls in different classrooms based on their yo-yo friendship problem. This is not a failure. Some kids just aren't a good-fit. It's important to find the right fit. Page 116 - Discuss the dangers of technology: This needs to be a priority with all of our kids. No need to explain why! Cell phones, facebook, youtube.....oh lord. Page 118 - Teaching girls to assert themselves without being aggressive back: This is where we need to spend more time. Especially for all of you who try and do the quick fixing. Most importantly, remember you are modeling this everyday through your own actions. Often times I have difficulty helping a child because the parent themselves is very aggressive. Yikes. Sorry - had to be said. Page 123 - Rumor Tip: I've photo copied this and already given it to a few parents and students! Love it.

See ya next week! PS. I emailed the winner of the book giveaway.

Sunday Book Club: Little Girls Can Be Mean Chapter 2

Chapter 2

How Can I Help My Daughter or Student?

In this chapter the authors introduce us to the four steps to bully-proof girls. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about them and loved how they said this will help 'addressing issues on the fly.' It's all about prevention, responding, and mitigation. Here were my thoughts....

Page 28 - You can't control the other children.

This is huge. Many times I have parents come into my office completely focused on the other child and how they have wronged their kiddo (and yes you get to be upset but then we gotta move on...I would be too). I reassure the parent we will get the behavior to stop. HOWEVER, most times their child is the KEY (I didn't say reason) to the situation/friendship. So I very gently move the focus back to the one being bulled so we can figure out what skills the student needs. If it is an extreme bullying situation - we're all over it. Kinda like the authors say on the bottom of page 25 - if there is danger - then the adults take over. As an educator, I just need parents to know that focusing ONLY on the other child does not help at all. I've been doing this long enough to know that. I say that with respect. I like it when parents say to me, "So how can I help my own daughter?"

Page 32 - Step 1: Observe

Know your child, know their energy, and know this through observation.This is such smart advice. Don't skip past this step - it's so easy to do. How many times has your daughter been trying to talk to you - and you're somewhere else. You are thinking about the grocery list, a meeting at work tomorrow, or the dishes need to be done (or do they?). Maybe you are on the computer, watching TV, or going through the mail...all of these things take you out of the present moment and create a disconnect. Kids notice when you're doing this and they make a note of it - "My mom is always busy and doesn't have time for me. I can't even get my mom to look at me!" Eventually, they'll just quit coming to you.

Tip: When I was growing up and my mom was super busy. She ALWAYS said, "What you are saying to me is important. Can we talk about this in 10 minutes so I can give you my full attention?" I cannot begin to tell you how much that meant to me. If my mom wasn't able to fully look into my eyes and "observe" me....she communicated to me that we would set up time to make it happen. She always followed through. Made me feel really important to her.

Page 34 - Step 2: Connect

Okay all you fixers out there, this step is for you (and me). We are all guilty of it from time to time and we've got great intentions. I think the reason I try and do a quick fix once in awhile is because I can so CLEARLY see the solution. Why not just tell them and save your child the trouble of having to figure it out on their own? Well, we know why. Because that's not helping them at all. It's almost telling them they are incapable. You also rob yourself of connecting with your daughter. So back it up. Page 36 talks about active listening. Love all the examples of how you can do this. It will take practice so don't give up even if you think your words sound funny. What your daughter notices is, "Wow, my mom really cares about my feelings." Can you say connection!!??

Page 40 - Step 3: Guide

Okay, it's time for teamwork. The authors provide a helpful list as to what your role needs to be when it's time to figure out what's going on and allowing your daughter to explore her options.

The List:

1. Identifying the real issue, which may or may not be the problem she first mentioned, or the problem she is telling you (this one happens to me A LOT)

2. Depersonalizing the situation and presenting alternative perspectives

3. Scaling the worry down (or up) to size (I love this)

4. Brainstorming a number of possibilities

5. Helping her understand the dynamics of her friendship group, her place within it, how she feels about it, and how best to respond to her knowledge.

I just dig this whole idea of modeling how to problem solve. Page 43 talks about sharing stories with your daughter. That is so powerful. And boy do they TUNE in when you talk about a life experience, how you handled it, and what it taught you.

Page 44 - Step 4: Support to Act

So after you finish step 3, how will you know your daughter is going to follow through on any of this? Well, you can't control that - but you can be supportive and encouraging. Like the authors say, it might not even be the outcome you both had planned for. She might make a poor decision, the plan might not work, or you might have to come up with something new. Be okay with that. Depersonalize. She's going to be the one choosing the solution. Page 47 talks about being supportive through role-playing. This is a DAILY strategy of mine. It works. I highly recommend you take the time to do this with her. It's also a very connecting exercise.

Tip: When it's time for kids to leave my office after we've done the above steps I often say, "Let me know how it works out for you." "I'm excited to hear how it goes." "Good luck. I know you'll do your best."  These statements are golden with kids. I always hear back from them, even if it didn't go the way they wanted.

Looking forward to your comments. And I'm also looking forward to the giveaway for this book which will be soon!

Sunday Book Club: Little Girls Can Be Mean Chapter 1

It's time for our book club!

Over a week ago I discovered Little Girls Can Be Mean at my local bookstore and eagerly brought it to the counter to purchase. One of those moments where I felt like - how did I not know about this book!!?? I'm very used to seeing similar books addressing this issue but in the teenage world. Finally, K-5! My peeps! I couldn't wait to get home and dive in. Because often as an elementary school counselor, there are times I feel like I'm drowning in....yep...gonna say it....mean girl behavior. I've gotten a pretty good handle on how to help these students but I'm ALWAYS open to learning new strategies and I especially want to help parents.

I said last week we should take on Chapters 1-2 but changed my mind to JUST a chapter a week. Reason being is I don't want my post to be too long and I have lots to chime in on. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts/stories/feelings in the comment section.

Chapter 1 - The Rise of Social Cruelty

Pages 1-6 got me thinking about one of the reasons 'girl bullying' even exists. I think it's partly us people. Here's a perspective I have from the school (which I love and adore PS) I work at: I think we are getting BETTER and BETTER at figuring out right away who are the girls who need a social intervention. See, in the past we'd just be super reactive instead of proactive. And when you are reactive you start counting down the days to Christmas break. We all have this assumption that girls know how to come to school and just magically turn into super friends. Um, they don't. Hence, the reactiveness. So I don't wait till October to figure out who is not getting along. The teachers and I pay attention on DAY 1. Urban Anaya's story is a great example of how desensitized we are to the problem and also just sort of put up with it. I think I've shared in that desensitization in the past. 

Page 7: "hidden" Girl bullying is so sneaky, quiet, and under the table. It's like communicating backwards. I just wanted to comment on that word "hidden." I've been paying way more attention to this and I even go as far as asking girls: "What kinds of looks did she give you? Show me what her body looked like?" I've really shifted the gears the past few years and taught the meaning and dangers behind passive aggressive body language and how it stirs up problems. I've had girls tell me they don't want to solve or confront another girl because they are afraid of them. Isn't it amazing the negative POWER a stare, or glare?

Page 9: Friendship Struggles and Learning. Whoa, seen this one a hundred times. When hurt friendship feelings start 'bleeding' into the learning - we've got problems people. Okay, so how is everyone dealing with that one in their classrooms? You know, when little Suzy and little Emily come in from recess crying. Do you set limits? Do you use a higher level of problem solving? Do you involve parents when the problem continues? My first year as a school counselor, there was a WHOLE lotta mean girl problems going on in a first grade classroom. And I will never forget how the teacher handled it. She called all the parents in separately for meetings and did MAJOR interventions/behavior plans/friendship training with these girls. These students are older now and changed for the better because of the time she put into the problem.

Page 11: Most Bully Programs Miss the "Mark" Okay, it's no secret I'm an elementary school counselor and I teach bully prevention. It's also no secret that I've taken some of those curriculums and dumped them in the garbage. My first couple of years as a counselor, I taught these curriculums and they just bombed. Too robotic and especially not specific enough to girls. How did I know? Because the girl bullying didn't decrease. So if it's not working - stop teaching it is my thinking. I like what I've created on my own, I pull from all sorts of resources. And PLEASE check out Trudy Ludwig's books. Her books focusing on relational aggression are EXCELLENT.

Page 13: "yo-yo friendships" This paragraph talks about how girls are often in a "swirl of confusing moments" because of the daily friendship breakups going on. They completely forget about the learning and become obsessed with the unhealthy friendship. This one has driven me a little nuts over the years. It can take some intense intervention - but always worth it.

Bottom of Page 14: "Find someone else to play with" Yep, that one's a heart breaker to hear from a teacher. Here's what the student heard you say - I don't care. Have I been guilty of this in the past? Yes. Did I really not care? Of course not. I was just lacking the tools to intervene on what appeared to be a small problem....but it's not. It's a symptom and a warning sign. "You've got girl aggression."  And guess what, it breeds.

Okay, the rest of the chapter talks about the journey the authors will be taking us on. So what reactions and a-ha moments did you get from Chapter 1? (and see you next week for Chapter 2!!)

Details coming soon on the giveaway for this book!

Sunday Book Club With Moi!

I recently started reading Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps To Bully-Proof Girls In The Early Grades by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert. Already two chapters in my assessment is - BUY IT and READ IT. Better yet, TALK ABOUT IT with others. I keep feeling the need to discuss this book but am not sure who wants to listen to my ramblings. Which gave me an idea to do a book club on my blog about this important read. It seems to be too difficult to sum up in a few paragraphs why this one is on my bookshelf. So I'm taking it chapter by chapter and hoping you'll come along for the ride and want to discuss or just listen to my ramblings. I'd love to hear yours! If you are interested in reading this with me in a discussion format - I'm going to blog about chapters 1-2 next Sunday. Looking forward to your thoughts, feelings, etc on this important issue that little girls and parents are definitely facing. And I'm most excited about what we can LEARN from this book! Maybe someday I'll have my own 'Books That Heal Kids' Book Club Sticker like Oprah! Ahhh...one can dream......